This is my first summer in the Ph.D. studies in musicology. One long research paper, three subjects in the diagnostic exam, and one essay expressing my goal in musicology - these are my projects for this summer. I was motivated during the first two semesters. At that time, it seemed like the summer could be a blast without fixed schedule. Nevertheless, I feel so lost now. I am not focused or disciplined. I start to question my ability. Do I really like doing independent research? Am I really able to finish this terminal degree? Is the fear of failure stopping me from putting all my focus into work? Or am I still in the transition between a graduate student and a Ph.D. student? I know I love music, research or performance. I know I love learning. I know I love reading. But what’s happening now? Where is my determination?